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Dear Diary, aka Coping with Coming Out

2022-09-26 00:43:06

Dear Diary

Sun 10/17/04
I feel foolish writing in this book. I've never kept a diary before. I don't even like the word "diary". It is a silly word. A child's word. I think I made a new friend a little over a week ago. His name is Ricky. I am writing this on his advice. He says it will help me cope with my emerging feelings. So, here I am, trying out his advice. It can't hurt, right?

Okay then, here it is. These first entries will be very long Dear Diary. So many new sensations, longings, feelings, have happened to me in the last few days. I need to peel back the events. Relive them as they happened. To catch up with today.

Anyway, as I said, I met Ricky just over a week ago. It was Saturday, mid-afternoon. I was sitting on a bench in Legion Park. The one all the way in the back, by the cornfield. I had my head leaning all the way back, just kind of staring off into sky.

I was wondering if I was ever going to get laid again before I die. The last time I had enjoyed a woman's charms was 12/31/99 (I can't forget THAT day for so many reasons). What happened? When I was younger, women picked me up all the time. This was good for me. I didn't have to go against my very shy nature and learn how to pick them up. Well, now that I have gotten older (is 47 really referred to as "older"?!), I am apparently not as attractive to women as I was back then.

So, I guess I am just sitting there feeling sorry for myself. Very, very sorry for myself. It must've been written across my face in neon, because Ricky walked up and said he could see from the other side of the park that I looked like I needed a friend. He said I looked much sadder close up.

I didn't reply. I hoped he'd just go away. I was not in a people person kind of a mood and I said so. I said him to "I really am not in the mood to talk, please leave me alone".

"Okay. I'll just sit here, on the other end of the bench. I have things I can think about too. If you feel like talking, just do..." And with that, he sat down, took a handheld computer from his pocket and started doing something on it.

I was a bit pissed. Here I picked the most isolated bench in the park to sit and feel sorry for myself on this chilly autumn day, and this strange, younger man comes over and intrudes on my solitude. I turn slightly away from him and return to my "pity party".

It got more and more difficult to ignore the sounds his handheld was making. I tried to see the screen by looking through the corner of my eye. I wanted to know what he was playing. I didn't want to talk.

"Oil Pipe", he says, "the original and still the best pipeline game".

Was he reading my mind? Was I so curious that I was being obvious? Did he just think it was time for someone to say something? Whatever it was, it was the start of a new friendship. We talked for hours. First about the game. I told I had Oil Pipe registered as a DOS game on my PC, I wasn't aware it was still being supported and that it became a Windows based application. We had a lot in common. He was a computer geek, a sci-fi buff, and a Mustang man as well. I eventually opened up about my sexual situation and the fears that accompany it. He was easy to talk to.

As the sunset, chilly morphed into "fucking cold". Ricky suggested we go to his place, catch a buzz and warm up. He said, "I don't think you should be alone yet. I'm worried about you".

I declined. I don't know why. Why have I pulled away from virtually every person that ever showed they care for me? Ricky didn't force the issue, instead, he handed me a business card, "Computers for Dummies". Catchy. Like the book series. "My cell is listed, call me when you feel like talking again."

We parted ways. Hours later, I am still thinking about my new friend. There is something about him. I haven't related like that to another human being since my best friend moved to LA. Finally, I decide to call him. I ask him to come to my place. My comfort level is better here. He got here in less than half an hour. Bearing gifts: Christian Brothers brandy (did I tell him that was my favorite alcohol beverage or is this another thing we have in common?), a half gallon of orange juice (I have to have told him I like brandy and o. j.), and a bag of ice.

I poured us drinks. We talked. No, I hadn't told him, it was his favorite as well. We talked about a lot of things. About how I lost an excellent job (that I hated, btw) in 2000 and every job I've had since paid less than the last. How hard I've found it to live on $26k/year when I used to make $60k. Yes, I had a nice glow going. Those Christian Brothers sure know their shit! I was opening up to Ricky as if he was an old friend and I was just catching him up to on happened since I last saw him. I was really enjoying his company. There was something about him...

"Do you get high?", Ricky asks. "A little. Occasionally. Kind of a money thing" I replied. On that, Ricky pulled a beautiful, round wooden stash box from one jacket pocket, and a pipe from the other.

"Whoa, now you're talking. Truthfully, I'm not much of a drinker (you can probably tell by how drunk I am from 2 drinks), I am more of a stoner."

"You'll love this shit then. I know a guy grows in a closet. He grows for himself, 3 harvests per year. He always plants 50% more than he needs, in case he has a gardening disaster strike. I buy the stuff that he has over his requirement. I don't smoke nearly as much as he does, so it lasts me until his next grow as well. Nice symbiotic relationship. Sucks, though, when he has a grow problem, like disease or pestilence."

He was right about the weed. Between that and the drinks, I was fucked up.

The subject gradually got back to sex. The subject always ends up at sex if the conversation carries on long enough. I am much more comfortable with Ricky than many people I've known 10 years. I confess that sex has never played a prominent role in my life. When I was married (16 years), my wife used to get pissed because I only fucked her once a week. Some weeks not at all.

Ricky asked me if I was turned off by sex. I told him I don't know. I don't think so. I took care of my own urges at least once a day. So I enjoy a good orgasm. Sex with her really wasn't great from day one, but we had a personal connection. I enjoyed her company. Just not sex.

"My God. You had a sexless marriage?"

"Nah, I just wished it was. Not her. She would have been happy to fuck everyday. When we had sex, she had multiple orgasms every single time. I often thought it was unfair. I always made sure she was pleased. I told her, over and over, in a loving fashion, how to please me. She just didn't retain it." I told Ricky all this. I was feeling so comfortable with him. There was just something about him, and I was so fucked up...

Ricky asked what my fantasies were when I masturbated. "Obviously, your wife wasn't in them", he properly observed. I lied and told him I fantasized about Wendy, my youngest step-daughter's best friend.

I don't why I lied, Dear Diary, I guess I was afraid that if he knew my favorite fantasy was of being a totally submissive gay bottom. Of being bound and humiliated by a man. Brutally raped both orally and anally after being whipped into sobbing submission. To have my cock and balls viciously abused and tortured by my heavily hung captor while being made to swallow his cock. I've never told that to anyone.

I had tried to get my ex to play my way. Instead, she enjoyed the sub role and had no heart for abusing me in return. Odd, being in a position of absolute power over her just made me crave my own servitude more. Not that I didn't enjoy hurting her, I just wanted someone to do me. Yeah, I lied all right. How do you tell anyone that fantasy without risking rejection? It is enough to try to tell someone close that I want to suck another man's dick. Any man. Just as long as it is a cock and will cum for my tummy. Let alone, that I want this anonymous man to grab me roughly by my ears, forcing his manhood past my gag reflex. Repeatedly stabbing my throat until he mashes my head against his pelvis and pumps his joy juice straight down my eager throat while I swallow his cock for all I am worth.

Anyway, it wasn't a total lie. Wendy had always looked at me yearnfully. I swear, as early as 12, she would look at me like she wanted to pull my pants down and take my penis in her pretty little mouth. When she was 15, I no longer could convince myself I was imagining this beautiful, petite blonde lusted for me. There was nothing to imagine. When no one was looking, she made clear gestures, like deep throating a banana or rolling a grape seductively across her teeth with her tongue. No, I wasn't lying, I just told Ricky about a "minor" (pardon the pun, dear diary) fantasy. I don't want this new friend thinking I am a faggot. Let alone a submissive one.

"Since you haven't been with a women in over 5 years, you must be horny as hell! You're practically a virgin again. I'll bet you could really use a blowjob right now."

"You know, I don't know if I'd even have a reaction to a blowjob. My ex and I separated for a year, before a tragic reconciliation attempt. Mid 90's. I dated because I had joined Al-Anon and found women quite willing to pick up a handsome non-drinker for the attention I could offer. I had sex numerous times with 4 different women. Most were pleasing to the eye. I never actually enjoyed the sex that much. I had to really concentrate to cum."

"You mean if you could get a blowjob from a willing partner, right here, right now, you wouldn't stay hard enough to cum without having to talk yourself into cumming?" he queried.

"This is a bit weird. I guess I am just really wasted. For a moment, it seemed as though you were offering to test that theory out", I replied.

"Actually, I AM offering. There is no one here but you and I. I haven't told you yet, but I am gay. I like you as a friend. I feel as though I've known you for a long time. I am not being a slut. I want to make you feel good. Five years is a long time to be sporting blue balls! Just relax. Lean back. Close you're eyes. Think of that little blonde slut. I'll remove your clothes and show you a real good time. You do NOT have to reciprocate. Please, let me do this for you.

Whew! In light of what I just told you, Dear Diary, and how fucked up I was on top of it, I leaned back and lifted my ass off the cushion to help him remove my pants. I watched him. The look in his eyes as he freed my cock. It was as if he were meeting an old lover for the first time, after years of separation. I involuntarily raised my hips to meet his mouth. My cock was as eager to explore his mouth as his tongue was my cock. He looked up into my eyes as licked my dick slowly from base to tip along the big vein. I could see the relief in his eyes as he watched me enjoy the sight of him taking my manhood lovingly into his mouth. His eyes crossed as they closed in dreamy delight.

He just as slowly took my now fully erect penis completely in his mouth and nestled his nose in my pubic hair. He reached out of his mouth with his tongue licked my sac as he slowly twisted his mouth from side to side. Still with his tongue exploring my manhood outside of his mouth, Ricky added an in/out motion to his twisting motion. Popping it in and out of his tonsils along the way. Oh man! This guy really knew how to make a cock feel good. It was the most unbelievable blowjob I have ever had.

Women always pull the foreskin too hard, like it was rubber and would stretch forever. Rub their teeth on it as though it was a dental instrument. Only take just the head of it in their mouths. FUCK! No woman ever gave me a blowjob like that! Not even close!

I came in a very short time. I now knew for sure, I had entrusted the wrong gender with the care of my manhood all these years. What a brutal realization! I know. With my fantasies, I should have known, but I kept telling myself it was just a fantasy, not a true desire. I had convinced myself the reason I fantasized about men was because I was touching a penis while fantasizing, not that I actually desired one. Now I know. I am gay. A homo, a queer, a faggot, a sissy, a pillow biter, stem jockey, cum catcher.

That's why I am keeping this diary. I came from family and friends that at best look down on gays and at worst are convinced gays are the a plague on mankind. That God himself is using the gays to spread the disease of the immoral, AIDS, among the immoral, impure, damned. Gays are the instrument for both the cause and cure of the plight of the immoral. I can't help but wonder, Dear Diary, what were the excuses for hating gays before AIDS?

Anyway, Ricky has called several times since the night I let him blow me. He knows I am having a crisis of identity. I denied being a faggot all my life. Here, I find out I not only enjoyed the oral treat Ricky offered me, but want to return the favor. I suddenly crave, no, NEED a cock in my mouth. I want to taste Ricky's cum. I want him to fuck me, face up and pull out of my fuckhole just in time to spray my gonads in his delicious elixir of life. I also am guilt ridden about how my desires would be accepted the other people in my life. I share all this with him. That is when he said I should keep this diary. It gives me someone to talk to. Unconditionally.

Mon 10/18/04
I had the phone in my hand, one last button to push to tell Ricky I needed his dick. NOW! Then the revulsion would rush over me. Why does our society need to be so limited in its community sexuality. Asimov and Clarke both seem to believe that society will be more open to bi-sexuality as a lifestyle in the not terribly distant future. Yet our present day society, while fairly open-minded to lesbian relationships, still abhors it when 2 men enjoy each other's company so much as to wish to take it to proverbial "next level" and enjoy pleasuring each other physically.

The bottom line is, I can't even think about actually sucking Ricky's cock without hyperventilating and vomiting. FUCK! I HATE myself! Why can't I be straight like every other man in my life?

I still haven't told Ricky my real fantasy. I did concede that it involved sucking cock. I did so in such a way as to have left him believing my actual fantasy was normal, gay sex. What you get from any hardcore gay flick. Don't know if I should tell him or not. He doesn't seem much the dominant type. I could actually see him as a soft sided versatile at best. Still, he probably would have a difficult time believing I can be a tough sided versatile. We'll see. I want to talk to him about it in bed. Whenever it is can get myself to call him again. I wish he wasn't so damn considerate. I wish he'd just show up at my door, pushing his way though it as I opened it. I want him to throw me down on my back, pull off his pants and sit on my chest, force feeding me cock, using my ears as control handles. I'm going to talk to him about it eventually.

Fri 10/22/04
OH MY GOD!!! Shortly after stopped writing last time, I answered the doorbell. Ricky was there with a huge, pepperoni, sausage, mushroom, finely chopped, onion and green pepper, extra cheese pizza in hand, from that really awesome place a couple of blocks down. He leaned over and said, "I have some fresh harvest, killer weed in my pocket, want to party?" How could I say no to that?

We ate some pizza, drank some more Christian Brothers and o.j., burned a thin doob of some of the very best shit I've ever had. Yeah, that was just what I needed. Ricky moved in front of me. I thought he was going to unzip my pants and handle me. Instead, he kissed me. A long, deep, tongue, kiss. His mouth firmly, completely, sealed against my own forming one great single entity of us both, as if we were Siamese twins joined at the mouth. I have never in my life been so overwhelmed by a kiss before. Our tongues caressed each other, mixing our saliva to one, evenly mixed pool. We shared the same air. It was intoxicating.

"My turn this time. All this talk about you being gay and wanting my cock in your mouth has me more horny than I can put into words." Ricky informed me as he unbuckled his belt. I dropped to my knees in front of him and took over opening his pants and pulling them down. Once down, I could concentrate on the horizontal pup tent in front of my face. As I pulled his briefs down, his hardon got caught in the waste band. I pulled the band toward me, working up an uncontrollable desire to return the favor of a few days ago.

When it finally sprung free, I saw his big, ugly, uncut pecker staring me straight in the eye, I almost told him to forget it. Uncut, oh, yuuuck! I pulled my head back and started to stand. "Nice guy I am", I thought sarcastically, "he gives me the best blowjob of my life, and I can't even get myself to look at his uncut meat". I shamed myself into continuing what I started.

I decided I needed a better look, without the turtleneck. I slowly peeled his foreskin back, not wishing to hurt him. (My pet peeve with women was always that 90% of them a have no clue how much it hurts if you pull it too hard. Feels like they're trying to pull the skin off.)

"Don't worry, it doesn't hurt to pull it back. The opposite, in fact. I love satisfy myself by pulling the skin back and forth over the head. I don't imagine that to be a pleasure you'll get to experience. Too bad, that."

"When I pull the skin all the way back, your dick looks like a 20% enlargement of my own. I never, in my most vivid fantasies, imagined myself sucking uncut cock." With that, I took his warm, stiff penis in my mouth and became a cocksucker for the first time in my life.

The taste was much nicer than a pussy. He was very clean, probably showered before coming over. His pre-cum had a very sweet taste. No trace of the saltiness I'd expected. The softness of the skin running along the big vein more than I could have guessed. The texture of it as it went fully and easily past my tonsils and on to probe the depths of my throat. I suddenly wished he were even longer, so I could take him deeper down my throat. I strained as hard as I could to do just that. It felt as though I was born for this. Like something had been missing from my life, finding it's way to me.

I was suddenly aware that this was just the first moment of many more to come.

I also was sure it would be very difficult to push my tongue past my teeth and lick his balls as I anticipated. It was just a matter of tipping my head in the right direction.

Ricky tried desperately to pull back. I pulled his hips toward me. I started to swallow. It was weird. It activated a reflex very similar to the gag reflex, but less insistent. I wanted to keep his dick buried in my throat. This made me feel complete.

Apparently Ricky was enjoying it as well. My tongue felt his scrotum tighten up as his balls rose to allow me better access. Ricky spasmed very heavily with each spurt, as he pulled my head tightly against his bush. I could feel the cum pump against the walls of my throat. I swallowed and swallowed and swallowed his cock, sucking it completely dry until it shriveled to normal size.

"I thought you said you never ate dick before. That was DAMN good for a first time. Hell, that was awesome for any amount of experience."

I told him I had been imagining sucking dick ever since I got my first blowjob. That, years later, I started dreaming of having a man fuck me as well. I continued telling him about the lifelike rubber cocks I have owned through the years and used to practice doing. How I'd be sitting on one, swallowing another and jacking off at the same time.

"Man, no wonder you were so good. I hope you fantasized about fucking a man, ‘cause I am so fucking worked up, I gotta have you up my ass. Please, I need to feel your cock shoot it's love load inside of me." With that, Ricky turned his body so he could take me into his mouth and I could keep licking him.

I had never even fantasized about fucking a guy. All my fantasies to date have me playing the female role. I sure loved being the cocksucker. The thought of sticking my dick up his ass made me so horny, I started licking his hole. I may have been new to fellatio, but I am no stranger to either anallingus or packing shit. These were some of my favorite things to do with women.

I licked his ass crack, slowly, softly circling his anus, occasionally flicking my tongue lightly, quickly, across his pleasure hole. Each flick elicited a moan from his dick muffled mouth and seemed to loosen his love hole. After a few minutes of this, I suddenly, forcefully shoved tongue as far into his sphincter as I could. He responded by taking my joystick all the way down and shaking his head lightly from side to side.

"You'd better stop that of I'll cum long before I enter you. Lick me softly and suck my balls, that'll keep me hot and save my load for your love tunnel."

I now started licking his hole with my tongue broadened and flattened. Licked his entire crack like that. I love licking ass, always have. When I was married, I often woke my wife weekend mornings that way. Naturally, she woke ready to take me in there...

I started probing his anus with my fingers. He was loose enough at this point, I started with two fingers. I moved my oral ministrations to balls. I sucked them both into my mouth at the same time, using my tongue to roll them against each other, watching my fingers slide easily in and out of him. Ricky was hot by this time, he squirmed around as much as having his balls in my mouth would allow.

He stopped eating my rock hard cock and begged me to fuck him. He wanted me to do him face to face so he could feel my hairy stomach rub his gonads and look in my eyes when I shower his intestines in my sperm. I was more than happy to honor that request. I wanted to feel his cock and balls rubbing my stomach as well.

I move around to take the top in a missionary position. He lay on his back, legs spread and pulled up to his chest. Entry was easy. He was soooo ready! What a sensation! This was way different than fucking a woman in either hole. He was way looser than any female shit hole I fucked, but tighter than any pussy I fucked in the last 25 some years. I never really liked fucking a woman's ass all that much. The sphincter was usually extremely tight making it difficult to retain any kind of lube in the contact area. Ricky on the other hand, was an awesome fit for my manhood and was loose enough to use spit for a lube without squeezing it out. And the shape inside, completely, softly enveloping my penis at all times. He must've anticipated me fucking him. He douched. I always hated fucking against shit. Yuck!

Ricky pulled my head to his, kissing me. It was a desperate kiss, like he was trying to inhale me. His mouth closed on my tongue sucking it like a cock. That was it, I couldn't take any more. I shot the longest, hardest, most mind-blowing load of my life. No sooner had I started enjoying my own orgasm, I felt him pump a hot, sticky load on my stomach.

Ricky's kiss turned soft, gentle, lovingly sweet. He wrapped his legs around me, preventing my from pulling out, wriggling lightly against my stomach rubbing his load over both of our bellies. I always hated it when a woman made me cum on myself and rubbed it into my skin, but this felt so natural. It was a shared experience. We both drifted off to sleep in that position. It was more of a nap of maybe half an hour or so. It was the most peaceful sleep of my life.

No longer any doubt. I can no longer consider myself heterosexual. No man/woman sex ever satisfied me like that, Dear Diary.

We spent the rest of the night sucking each other's cocks in 69 and napping. By 5:00 a. m. we needed showers badly. We both had to work and got little real sleep, just very short catnaps all night in between blowjobs. I haven't cum that much in one night since I was 18 took Ginny Shannon to see all 5 of the "Planet of the Apes" movies at the Twin Outdoor.

We took a shower together. Ricky moved behind me so he could nuzzle my neck while he washed my cock and balls (very thoroughly!) and nipples. My head started spinning with pleasure as I got yet another erection. The hand on my gonads was gently rubbing my balls together and squeezing them, while the soapy hand on my nipples was pinching and pulling. Lightly at first, suddenly changing to a roughness so severe it took my breath completely away.

I gradually became aware that he was stroking his hard (Yes!) organ between my ass cheeks. I suddenly want him to fuck me more than I have ever wanted anything sexual before!! I relaxed my sphincter and positioned my ass so he could gain easy access. He took the hint immediately. That big, beautiful, uncut pecker of his found my hole and slid easily in. The position we were in had him massaging my prostate roughly. It was soooo hot! His one hand moved from my nipples to my cock, while the other continued it's magic on my balls with increased intensity. I couldn't help myself! I shot my load (again! :D), all over my shower wall dribbling the remainder on his hand as he continued his ministrations and increased his own rhythm to encourage himself to cum once more as well. I started rocking in rhythm with him. I reached between my legs grabbed this beautiful man's balls and matched what he was doing to my balls. That was all it took. He spasmed so hard with his orgasm, he knocked me off balance (knees already weak), making me fall. I was impaled completely by his member. He must not have been stroking all the way in, because this was outright painful. He, of course fell with me and when we hit ground, he was under me, still inside and I bounced up and down for one last painful, full depth plunge.

We stayed in that position, him kissing all the hot spots around my neck and ears, re-soaping my dick and finishing my bath until the water started running cold.

Where did we get all that sperm the last 10 hours?!?

We both get dressed, in between kisses and caresses, me in fresh clothes, Ricky in what he wore yesterday.

"I am going to come over right after work tonight. I'm taking you out to dinner." Ricky told me as he kissed me deeply while giving my balls one last squeeze and rub through my jeans.

Sat 10/23/04
It is 11:43 a.m. Ricky has gone. He left for work hours ago. I could have gone in for some o.t. if I wanted. I just didn't feel like it. Right after Ricky left, I beat off to an awesome climax. I imagined all the things I have always wanted to try and doing them with Ricky. One of the best orgasms in memory!

Immediately after shooting a much-anticipated load, I went back into identity crisis mode. Diary, why can't I say, "I'm gay!" when I am not horny? I always knew it would be this way. Even when I masturbated to gay thoughts in my youth and gay slavery thoughts now, as soon as I cum, I feel remorse. Now that I have a man that wants to stick his dick in my mouth, it is only that much worse.

It is a good thing Ricky already told me he is coming over tonight, I need do nothing but be home. And he is taking me out to dinner. How thoughtful he has been through this. I guess it isn't as hard for him, after all, it isn't his world turning upside down right now.

Omigod. Will people in the restaurant realized we are a gay couple? I have often wondered when I see two men enjoying each other's company, if they were gay. Of course, such mental wanderings inevitably lead to wondering what each would look like naked and hard. I'd try to imagine which is the more submissive of the pair and which one always gets his desires. Oh man, if I don't stop thinking like this, I'll end up telegraphing sexual orientation. People will take one look at me and know I am here with my lover. Maybe we should stay home tonight. Better yet, maybe I should just not be home when he stops by...

Diary, when are you going to start helping me through this. So far all you have done is given me a painful callus on my tip knuckle of my middle finger. Looks really gross when I give some deserving individual the finger and hurts when I write too long or bump it unexpectedly.

I am sitting here, Dear Diary, knowing I am a homosexual, yet I disgust myself for that knowledge. I gotta go do something. I am going crazy thinking about all this.

Sun 10/24/04
Oh Diary!!! Ricky took me to a gay restaurant, Deanna's Place. I never even thought about the possibility such places existed. Sure, I heard of gay bars and bathhouses, but places like that but never a restaurant.

It was clear to see who wasn't gay among the patrons. They were three guys on a date with their girls. Lost in their own world for a while, it slowly dawned on them that many of the men around them were holding hands across the dinner table and leaning in for their intimate conversations, sharing moments only lovers share. The guys got noticeably uncomfortable as one finally notice and pointed this out to his two buddies. It didn't seem to bother their girlfriends though, so the guys ended up staying, but looking like they wished they'd left.

These six young people felt so out of place that they were now the minority that they showed all over their faces.

This was the perfect place to go. Even though my date (that doesn't go down so well, does it?) knew many of the folks here, we stayed to ourselves. He told me anecdotes about many of the patrons as he discreetly pointed them out to me. It was so comfortable knowing everyone else (well, almost) was gay. That relieved a lot of pressure! We talked. We laughed. Ricky held my hand across the table. I felt so at ease, when Ricky leaned across the table to kiss me, I met him half way. It was a good place to be gay in.

On the way out, my lover introduced me to the owner of the awesome love nest, Daniel.

Daniel informed me the restaurant was his idea. The name, was his daughter's name. He felt a female's name would make the neighborhood a much friendlier place to do business. As we said our good-byes Daniel told me to come often, now that I have found it.

When we got back to my place, we smoked some weed, drank some C. B. and o. j. sitting on my bed. Naked. Ricky made love to me shortly after. After my man came inside of me, we lay in a spoon position while he stayed inside and eventually deflated. His hand reached around my left arm for my cock. Once he found his target, I got the softest, sweetest handjob I ever got, including my own autoerotic pleasures. He leaned close talk very softly directly in my ear "So, what's your real fantasies? And don't give me any of that teenage heart breaker shit." At that exact moment he uttered "shit", he gave my balls a little squeeze and rolled them against each other. I jumped from the sudden pain, hoping he would do it again.

"Come on. Give me some credit. I did fantasize about her a couple of times, I just couldn't get a nut when I did. She was a really hot little number, but no matter how great her beauty, she didn't have her sex organs outside her body. My fantasies really need dick to get me there." I then proceeded to tell him about my S&M fantasies, except I watered them down to moderate B&D. I did however tell him actual favorite fantasy (also the watered down version) about being enthusiastically throat fucked while lying helplessly on my back, my arms bound under me. I revealed my desire to have no control at all during this time.

"That sounds incredibly hot! We have to do that sometime", he murmured in my ear. "When you do yourself, what is your favorite part? What is it you do that makes it so good?"

Without hesitation I responded, "Not every time, but often, I use a long lace to tie my nuts up. My favorite way it to spread and bind them. I start by holding both end together. I use the loop as a sling under both balls. Taking two fingers, I draw the sides together, sliding my fingers down them. Once I have my balls completely lassoed, the hand holding the ends takes one end at a time and wraps a couple of very tight loops around each testicle. If each one is securely bound, I then keep wrapping each individually until all the lace is used, leaving enough for a tight knot to secure the ends. This pulls my scrotum tight around each nut and separates them. I then pay them special attention as I pull my own dick imaging myself giving a blowjob to a tough dom."

Somewhere in the middle of that description, my lover slid his right arm between me and the mattress and enclosed each hand around a testicle, gently squeezing and kneading each one differently. Testing how rough he can get. I believe I surprised him. He almost hit the point where the pain became intensely perverse pleasure and backed off. I took hold of his hand and squeezed. Hard. He seemed hesitant to apply that much pressure. After a brief pause, he resumed squeezing and now applied real pressure, each nut differently but very roughly. I was ecstatic! I became hard as a rock! Painfully hard. I turned my head as far left as I could and searched out my man's mouth with my own. It was then, when I found it difficult to turn farther, that I realized he had become fully erect again himself.

My tongue probed his mouth finding pleasure in the contact with his while his large, uncut manhood probed the inner reaches of my male vagina. Each time he hit bottom, he squeezed nuts more painfully. Right here, right now, there is no gay emergence to deal with, no loneliness, no sorrows or painful past relationships fret over. All there was, was this gorgeous 30 something young man and the pleasure he was giving me. During that moment I was happy.

Maybe you are helping me Dear Diary. We'll see, the next time my boyfriend has to leave, when my mood gets dark.

Sat 10/30/04
My throat hurts unbearably today, but it was worth every bit of the pain! I am so happy I told Ricky about my fantasies. He is so willing to help. I had about a 10' length of clothesline around. It was a little short for a good arm binding, but it was sufficient to keep me from being able to prevent him from having his way with me. To my surprise, he pulled a long shoelace from his pocket and bound my balls similar to the way I do it for myself (I am soooo glad I told him about that). He added a twist of his own. He tied the shoelace tightly to the arm binding. Any time I tried to move my arms, it pulled painfully on my balls.

Ricky then put the couch cushions down in a line on the floor. He laid me down on top of them, my head hanging off the top one, for easier access to my throat. Kneeling down, pushing down my lower jaw and positioning his big, beautiful, uncut manhood in front of my open mouth, my love shoved it balls deep into my oral fuck hole.

He fucked my throat like it was my asshole. Hard, fast, deep. My jaw is sore from his pelvis bouncing off my chin. He really got into it. Before long, he was completely ignoring my helplessness and doing nothing to afford me air. I had to figure out how to breathe on my own. It was VERY difficult, but I managed. Without passing out, as well.

Each thrust pinned me down on my bound arms, bouncing my head off the ground. I was sooo into it! It was just like my fantasy. The more I tried to move, the more pain his cock caused my throat and the more difficult it was to breathe. Several times, he ground his pelvis against my chin, trying to bury his bone even deeper.

It took my lover very little time to coat my throat in a large, hot load of his tasty sperm deep into my throat. As I lay there, helpless, with pelvis resting on my chin, his softening cock still all the way in my mouth, Ricky took my dick in his mouth and proceeded to give me an awesome blowjob, stopping occasionally to lick and suck my painful, tied testicles. I never fantasized my Dom being sweet to me after, but it seemed to set it all off just right! I came in my friend's mouth with a ferocity I've NEVER experienced, including my very first blowjob from him.

After, he lay next to my still bound body, without making a move to release me and admitted, "I never realized that I like being in complete control!"

"I hope that means we will do it this way again, because I liked it way more than I thought I would!" I replied. "But maybe you could release my balls, before they fall off."

"Fuck no! I'm not done yet, just resting. The sight of you tied helpless for my bidding is making me just about ready to do it again."

And he did! This time, he acted in no way considerate to me. Much of the time, I found it difficult to draw a breath. I think I actually passed out a couple of times as he held his cock full depth and ground his pelvis against my chin. This time, as he came, Ricky untied my balls. I shot a load of my own as soon as they fell free.

Next time he comes over, I will make sure to have plenty of clothes like and long shoe laces around...

My change of mood didn't this time, either. I am free to be queer with no self-recriminations. I guess all I really needed was to not be in control when he sticks his dick in me. Or, maybe I just got used to being gay. Either way, life is suddenly very good.

Thanks for all your help, Dear Diary!

Love, Me.